Having been back for the past two years in a row for CNY, I had almost forgotten how lonely, how insignificant, and how unfestive CNY is in Vancouver.

Sure there are CNY songs being played at T&T (Chinese supermarket chain). Sure they are selling CNY decorations. Sure I have family here to have our reunion dinner with.

And I know that all of the above beats anyone currently abroad in some crazy white-washed area. Or is here all by themselves.

But no matter what it is, it just ain't the same.

I miss celebrating CNY with my parents and brother. I miss seeing all my cousins, dressing up to go to each other's houses. I miss seeing cousins that I only see once a year. I miss decorating the house with old-fashioned red CNY decorations. I miss the lion dance. I miss helping my dad fill out the angpau packets on CNY Eve. I miss the whole CNY atmosphere.

And looking at my cousin's pictures on Facebook. Scrolling down my MSN list for people who are usually online but are not, because I know they are celebrating CNY.

It just hits me even harder that I am, once again, not at home with my family for CNY.

Why? Why can't I have the best of both worlds?

Sometimes I have this selfish thought that I wished I was never born in Malaysia. Never grew up there. That way, I would never have experienced the Malaysian lifestyle and will not miss it. That way I can just be content where I am and be happy.

Maybe I should go home.

Here I go again.

Everytime when life here seems to fall into place and I feel that I had made the right choice by staying here, I miss home. I miss the place where I had grew up in. I miss the people that I had grew up with.

And I can only miss.....

So. I have decided that no matter what, I am going back for CNY 2010. It may be short (like my CNY trip in 2008). But at least, I didn't regret it. And to me, every second of it was worth every penny.

I wish I am home for CNY.....

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