And I've also told friends and family that I am considering going back for good, that I will go back and see if there are any opportunities for me.

Yet...

At the same time, deep down inside of me, I sense fear.

Fearing uncertainty. Fearing the unknown. Fearing the unexpected.

What should I do when I go back?

Enjoy myself. Yes. But for how long? And with who? All my friends are working.

Find a job. Yes. But what? I don't want to spend my time working in a passionless job for a meaningless purpose.

Travel? Yes! But this is an express cash-draining activity....

Recently talked to a friend's friend, who has worked quite a few jobs in Malaysia. Her stories appalled me. The encounters that she related to me definitely made me think twice about going back for good.

Unethical practices. Corruption. Politics.

Issues that were always prevalent in the society that I grew up in, but never mattered to me until I came to Canada.

I can't imagine myself trying to suck up to a manager or supervisor so that they don't make my job hell.

I can't picture myself drinking. socializing and maybe succumbing to immoral behaviours in order to make a sale and earn a commission.

Would I be able to turn a blind eye or be courageous enough to be a whistleblower when I encounter an unethical practice?

In a country where law is broken to protect the guilty and justice is buried deep in the graves along with the righteous....I really wonder how I would handle these situations.

Would I eventually be so used to all of this and treat it as a part of life?

I shudder at the thought of it.

As much as I love Malaysia, as much as I want to go back for good, I fear that the Malaysia that I remember may not be the Malaysia that it actually is. After all, I was pretty sheltered and protected as an ignorant teen who only cared about doing well in school, being popular and having fun.

It also doesn't help that my mom keeps scaring me with all the crazy and seemingly uncivilized crime stories.

And how politically unstable Malaysia really is.

And from friends, horror stories at work about office politics and crazy work hours.

Or am I just thinking too much? Instead of stressing myself out on what to expect, maybe I should just enjoy my summer here and deal with it as it comes.

Like everyone says: "Life is short. Live life like there's no tomorrow!"

Lol. If only I could. As idealistic as I am, I am also aware of the harsh reality of living life like there's no tomorrow.

Only in a perfect world can I live life to the fullest and not worry about a single damn thing. In my perfect world, I would be stress-free, have shitloads of money, and am happy everyday. Wheee!

Lol. That would be awesome.

So, back to square one:

What should I do when I go back?

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